To miss you or not....

This is a strange time...not only am I about to get away from the people I've literally lived with 24/7 for the last 4 years but also the people I've lived with for the whole of my life!! This is a weird feeling...Just about a month back I was just too excited about the prospects of living alone..more than that the idea of letting the 'independent me' take control of life seemed a real exciting prospect. But last few days, I have been getting those sleepless nights, wondering how good a life will I lead without the regular 'rok tok' of folks at home!!

Actually more than thinking about how easy or difficult the adjustment is gonna be there for me, there are two aspects that have been giving me these sleepless nights! I have absolutely no clue as to how many people in my position actually feel the way I am at this point fo time...I really am new to this 'pack your bags' cult!

The first thing is- How will I be able to take this whole thing of not being able to see my family every single day??It is difficult for me to imagine that I'll just have to satisfy myself with their voice everyday (It goes iwthout saying that we'll be talking every day, many times!!). This whole arrangement is even more difficult for me knowing how I have spent my 22 years of life!! Everyone used to be amused when I could just tell, pure intuition, when my dad would knock on the door, and I was always spot on! I still remember when I was in class 3 or 4, my sixth sense was not that good at that point of time, strike 6 and I was out patrolling on the roads, wondering when dad would be back home..waiting..Dad and me have always shared that perfect relationship..I just dont remember even a singe day when I've had to 'not speak' to him. He is just perfect. The idea of having to stay without him even for a week at a stretch has never been entertained by my senses.

Mum and me share an extremely spicy relationship :) 1 thing I keep thinking about when I think of this 'staying alone' thing is that who will give me my 'much needed' cup of tea as soon as I am back from office. I've just got too used to a royal treatment as soon as I come home- be it from school, college or anywhere! Mum and food, they just go together. I just hope I dont starve there, cause no one but my mum can put up with my tantrums!

This family of mine can just not be complete without the mention of this 1 person...She sure has guessed it by now...yes its YOU! Well, I really dont want to ponder on what kind of relationship we've had- its too complex! The thing is that, barring the last 1 year, She's been out of home for almost 6 years..hence it 'would have been' easier to get away without having to miss her too much, but last 1 year or so, there's been a lot happening to make sure I miss her too. Actually its funny I cant tyhink of a single good thing that I'll miss about her ;) oh off course I'll miss her pasta treat :p I'll miss a lot of things, be it our fights or our late night riyaaz sessions...A lot!!

I am in such a fix right now, I have no idea what I want more at this point of time-Is it that I want to stay here or I am ok with going away..I dont know!!

Song from the heart..

Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.

We've known each other since we're nine or ten.

Together we climbed hills or trees.

Learned of love and ABC's,

skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.

Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,

when all the birds are singing in the sky,

Now that the spring is in the air.

Pretty girls are everywhere.

When you see them I'll be there.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

But the hills that we climbed

were just seasons out of time.

Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,

I was the black sheep of the family.

You tried to teach me right from wrong.

Too much wine and too much song,wonder how I get along.

Goodbye, Papa, it's hard to die

when all the birds are singing in the sky,

Now that the spring is in the air.

Little children everywhere.

When you see them I'll be there.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

But the wine and the song,like the seasons, all have gone.

Goodbye, Michelle, my little one.

You gave me love and helped me find the sun.

And every time that I was down

you would always come around

and get my feet back on the ground.

Goodbye, Michelle, it's hard to die

when all the bird are singing in the sky,

Now that the spring is in the air.

With the flowers ev'rywhere.

I whish that we could both be there.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

But the stars we could reach

were just starfishs on the beach...

-Seasons in the sun
Terry Jacks

With love..

Hi..

After what seems like ages, I find the equipment to mail!!! Well I just read this 'diary entry' of mine, written on 1 rainy day!! The day it was raining 'buffaloes' :)

You know after meeting you all today, the feeling was strange i.e once I bid you all goodbye! Remember while you were leaving today,Shashank, I said to you that this feeling of 'parting' has not yet sunk in??But now when I read one old mail and as I am writing this mail, somehow I am feeling a little nostalgic. I dont know whether or not nostalgic is the right word but I am feeling not that happy.

Till now I am not sure whether or not I'll b moving over to Mumbai, as in even though my suitcase is all packed, literally, even then I cant be 100% sure 'bout going till the time I step into Mumbai Rajdhani! But even then, its like I am feeling that somehow the ease with which we have been used to calling each other over, thats a different thing that our 'meetings' take ages to mature, wont be there now. Not that we wont be willing to meet, but even though we'll be more willing than ever, we wont be able to!

Looking back, even though it might sound cliched, 2003 seems like just this very year! Time genuinely flies by!! I cant say about others, but it did in our case atleast!

Its weird...I can write really long mails but at this point of time, I really seem to have lost my ability to write. All I can do right this very moment is think-think about all the times that we've spent together, that technically means 24/7!! Seriously, am thinking about our lunch breaks...our laughs....our 'dont talk to me days'...our 'speak up' days...our mail days...our,well, your 'making fun of me' days....everything!!

Even though some 2 months back I was all for leaving this college, this place...well the 'freedom singh' in me was calling to me ;) but today I want us to be together just some time more...I want to be a part of this famous 9 bandwagon for a just a little bit longer...

This is coming straight from the heart-I dont want to leave you all and go!! I genuinely dont! Lets start up our own company, lets do anything but stay together!!

Is it too soon to feel this way???But I am already missing everyone as though today was our last day together, even though 2 ppl were missing...Really missed both of you...honestly..

Slowly all will be gone, and we'll all be left to ourselves, thats something I absolutely dont want but cant help!

Guys dont forget me...just remember, no matter how bad I have been, I've always loved 'us'.

Oh and yes, I would like to appolozise for everything, big and small, intentional (though I assure you there have been none) and unintentional things that I have done that might have hurt any of you, even in the slightest. I am extremely and genuienly sorry for all that.

I truely hope to remain in your lives for sure, and if I just have to be in your thoughts, would like to be a part of your 'happy memories'.

Miss you all..

Always remember a part of my prayers, everyday, will be reserved for each one of you respectively!! You'll always be with me!

Love