Probably all alone!!!

Alone....the topic of my new post too..how strange....is it me or is it the way things actually are....why do i feel am all alone???why do i feel left out??why do i feel not wanted????

This truely is a strange little world of thoughts!!! One moment i believe that i am a happy little kid and the other moment i feel like being tossed here and there....

Maybe i gotta learn to be content and happy with my ownself....afterall no one owes me anything!!!No one is obliged to take me in their life.....noone.....

Its just me, myself and noone else.....its just about me keeping myself happy.......but this is such a hard thing to do.....such an uphill task!!!!!

I just hope to do justice to this life that i have been given.......thats the least i can hope for!!

Alone!!!

Alone…after so long….its all so calm….its all so quite….its just me and no one else around!!
It feels like I somehow am enjoying this “silence” around me!! Giving me some time to relax…ponder……and write!!

Even though I don’t know what exactly I want to write about-is it my day so far, my vacations, my friends or just plain and simple ME…I’ve not figured it out yet!! But I think I am just going to follow my sweet little train of thoughts until it stops at a small station. A station filled with an intoxicating smell of rain that has just drenched the water thirsty land…….a station I gleefully would like to come to every now and then!!

Life’s a funny thing….sometimes you feel so left out while the very next moment nothing can be more exciting…that’s how things keep happening with me!!

Never has a day passed without me thinking a lot about it!! Sometimes I feel “not-needed”, sometimes I feel so alive, sometimes I am so excited, sometimes I am so lost….
No matter how hard I try but I just can’t seem to maintain the balance…..how ironic is that…..I am a Libran……my sign is that of a balance!!

I just realized how well I tried to write about “the station” but how hard it is for me to write about my life….write about me!!

Sometimes I feel how wonderful it would have been had I just stayed as a kid…..a kid so free…free not only in terms of independence but free from all of life’s tensions….

But guess I am just made for this kind of life……probably that’s how I like it- a rollercoaster ride….I am not the one who will be satisfied with a monotonous routine….

We all need a bit of spice in our lives….

And here it halts- my train!!

I realize it was a bumpy ride…it started from somewhere and ended somewhere else….but that’s ok…..I am glad the station it stopped at, is wonderfully fresh….it still is glistening with tiny droplets of water….the smell still is intoxicating….and the view, heavenly!!

A day to say Thank You

Some days are just like so wrong but in the end you just realize how right they are!! Such was 18^th July 2006.

It was raining too hard outside. Reminded me of the movie “truth about cats & dogs” well not for the actors but just for the phrase “cats & dogs” but as some one once said-“it rains cats & dogs in other parts of the world but its raining buffaloes here!!”

Well if “buffaloes” rained, they sure were raining in tons!!

Today I realized that two people together could actually be such a force!! Would have added on the third one too but forces of nature..didn’t let him be a party to it!!

It was a day full of fun, gossip, conspiracies, and laughs.. everything!!

It is so hard to decipher people, their actions. Why is it that 1 person becomes the center of attraction and others just surround him as though they are nothing but flies hovering over a lump of honey.

I know maybe the comparison is too ugly but that’s how things are many a times-ugly and irritating.

But who cares….when you have people around you know you can be with without such irritations creeping into your system, when you have people around who let you laugh on anything and everything that you want to, when you have people who will laugh with you..nothing else matters.

No matter how dull a day might seem, no matter how dark the sky is…. your friends always shine through and make everything bright. You tend to share a special bond with a few people who are not only your partners in something constructive, but also your partners in crimeJ

Those are the people who support you even though you know what you are doing is absolute madness.

And sometimes you just have to spare a few moments to thank them.

Thank you for a wonderful day.

That’s all I can say in the least. Short, sweet and simple- thank you

a friend- lost and found

Thought of writing about this a long time back but some how couldn’t get the right words to describe what I actually felt inside.
Searched the net for some real life experiences to know how people feel when they loose someone they’re close to, someone they love, someone they know, someone who just was there and was not supposed to leave!!
But could find none. Couldn’t find anything that could tell me how should I feel. Couldn’t find anyone who could tell me the way I was feeling was normal or not!! Even I have not been able to judge it till date- a month n 3 days later!!
So I finally decided just to write, write about both of us! Write about all of us!!
This is about my friend azhar hussain whom we lost on 23rd feb.2006.
My 1st recollection of our association goes back to 1995, when we actually interacted for the 1st tie. What an interaction that was!! Not too sweet to be remembered but now that he’s not with us any more, cant help thinking about not only the good memories that we made together but a few bad ones too…just cant let go off any memory that we made together!!
After class 5, I come straight to class 12th…this was when each and every single member of our class became friends. We faught, we laughed, we did everything together!!
And this is when me n azhar became real good friends!! A scholar of sorts he was really hard working when it came to studies n a cricket fan to the core! A great cricketer himself he won many accolades, every now and then!!
This is the azhar everyone knew, but beneath all this was a small little kid who was just waiting for his pair of wings to fly away into the wide blue sky. Beneath all this was a small kid with sparkling eyes, who wanted not everything under the sun but certain things that would’ve been enough to make his small little world shine bright forever.
He found happiness in such small little things that it made one realize how beautiful this life is, its just about seeing it the right way!!
Though we had not met for almost a year now but sometimes it’s just enough to know that a person is there…somewhere.. But now I know he’s nowhere, nowhere close where I can reach him.
Now we just meet, in our memories that we carefully crafted together!!
We are really going to miss this very special friend that we had. We, cause I speak for each and every one who ever knew him. This is how everyone must b feeling at this moment; cause Azhar made each one of us feel very special in our own way!!
So this is it, I owed him these few minutes which I spent writing about him.
Though he’ll never be around physically but he can never literally leave us.
Though I lost a friend, yet I think I found a person who'll never be not remembered or lost!!
May his soul rest in peace.

notes...

i ne'er was struck before that hour
with love so sudden and so sweet,
his face it bloomed like a sweet flower
and stole my heart away complete.
be composed-be at ease with me..
not till the sun excludes you do i exclude you,
not till the waters refuse to glisten for you
and the leaves rustle for you,
do my words refuse to glisten and rustle for you.
i wander all night in my vision,
bending with open eyes over the shut eyes of sleepers,
wandering confused, lost to myself,
ill-assorted, contradictory,
pausing, gazing, bending, and stopping...

i am os x

you are everything to someone

Right now at this very minute
someone is very proud of you
someone is thinking of you
someone cares about you
someone misses you
someone wants to talk to you
someone wants to be with you
someone hopes you aren't in trouble
someone is thankful for the support you have provided
someone wants to hold your hand
someone hopes everything turns out all right
someone wants you to be happy
someone wants you to find them
someone is celebrating your successes
omeone wants to give you a gift
someone thinks you are a gift
someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
someone wants to hug you
someone loves you
someone wants to lavish you with small gifts
someone admires your strength
someone is thinking of you and smiling
someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on
someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun
someone thinks the world of you
someone wants to protect you
someone would do anything for you
someone wants to be forgiven
someone is grateful for your forgiveness
someone wants to laugh with you about old times
someone remembers you and wishes you were there
someone is praising God for you
someone needs to know that your love is unconditional
somebody values your advice
someone wants to tell you how much they care
someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you
someone wants to share their dreams with you
someone wants to hold you in their arms
someone wants you to hold them in your arms
someone treasures your spirit
someone wishes they could stop time because of you
someone praises God for your friendship and love
someone can't wait to see you
someone wishes that things didn't have to change
someone loves you for who you are
someone loves the way you make them feel
someone wants to be with you
someone is hoping they can grow old with you
someone is hearing a song that reminds them of you
someone wants you to know they are there for you
someone is glad that you're their friend
someone wants to be your friend
someone stayed up all night thinking about you
someone is alive because of you
someone is remorseful after losing your friendship
someone is wishing that you would notice them
someone wants to get to know you better
someone believes that you are their soul mate
someone wants to be near you
someone misses your guidance and advice
someone values your guidance and advice
someone has faith in you
someone trusts you
someone needs you to send them this
someone needs your support
someone needs you to have faith in them
someone needs you to let them be your friend
and that someone isn't far
just that we havn't realised it yet who he/she is
and its worth taking time out finding that someone:-)

salman khan...amidst the storm yet again!!

why dont we leave him alone? by HIM i mean salamn khan-an individual..like you and me!!
its kind of strange, all of sudden the police decides to go public with the transcripts of his conversation with his 'then girlfriend' aishwarya rai!! and till the point that they were made public..it has not been confirmed whether or not the two ppl having the conversation are the ones we are talking abuot!!
insead of jumping to conclusions that salman khan is a traitor..close to dawood ibrahim should we check the authenticity of the tapes first!!
even if the voices are of ash and salman, is it so hard to see that its an obsessive lover trying to cling on to his love in a drunken state!! i am not trying to prove my loyalty towards salman khan fan club or trying to defend a so-called underworld aide..all i am trying to say is that a coin always has two sides to it!!
no matter what happens or to whom it happens in our of-so-filmy bollywood...the media knows where to rush.....1. Mr Mahesh Bhat for his expert views on everything and every thing...from Mr sunil Datt's death to Mr Shakti Kapoor's 'infamous' sting operation.
the second favorite is our very own salman!! always amidst a storm he has attained the "padavi" of the favourite typical bad-boy!! the last few years have been like hell for him..and the reason is pretty easy to understand!! no doubt more than being at the wrong place at the wrong time, it has been he..himself whose wrong but dont ppl hunt, in jungles and on roads alike!! how many of you know whats happening with Mr pataudi's case? was is crime of a lesser degree...
if proven guilty...salman khan should be hanged to death!! we dont need any more traitors or ppl who have absolutely no respect for the motherland!! but if proven guilty!!
its an earnest request to the media..please try and focus on the real news and not on sensationalising and serving it hot at the breakfast tables!! give the masses the news as it is and not flavoured with the lastest and the hottest spices available!!
then the shiv sainiks and their likes....think rationally people....your brokerage costs are not going to be paid by salman or dawood....its "us" who r going to have to bear the brunt of your oh so angry demonstrations.....
now a plea to our ownselves....to the masses...we have a mind of our own which can think, understand, analise and conclude provided we are given the real true facts!! let the police do its job...sincerely that is...and we'll know what to do with these 'desh drohis'...
come on now.....'dikhave pe mat jao, apni akal lagao'
salman can be good, he can be bad...but atleast let the truth come out before we label him as one of the omnipresent "gaddar"
till then...lets enjoy "maine pyaar kyun kiya"
a line that must still be making rounds in salman's head and heart alike and guess will continue to do so for some time now..........

men, women & brfeakups

“Hey sweet heart have other matters to look into”, “honey you know that I love you it’s just that right now there are other more important things”… Though just a few months back he seemed to have all the time in the world for us but then what happened all of a sudden…did he realize that this world is something much more than roses and candies or something else has just changed…. well no matter how much they disagree with us but somewhere down the lane either our dear boyfriends/lovers (as they like to be called) start taking us for granted or just loose their interest in us.It starts with a simple “take it easy” kind of statements. All of a sudden whatever small little things that used to make him happy project themselves as your way of over doing things to him!! All of a sudden you are asked to take chill pills. All of a sudden your calling up once a day seems to be just a little to much when earlier you were expected to talk to him for as long as you could…message all night long but unfortunately for now all you do is represent your love on a 72mm screen when there is no need to even project it on a 5mm one!!An insight into a man’s mind and heart!! Where is it that a guy actually deals with his love issues from? His heart or mind or both? What is more important to him-an Indo-Pak series or his so called love? What exactly are the things he expects from his girl friend?This is a strange little world of love and hate but this world becomes stranger when guys love someone in one instant while as loose their interest the other!!! Many a times it becomes a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of an affair!!Its not that the girls don’t loose their interest or actually stay glued to one person but then they can never beat a guy in his speed of making and breaking hearts!!All a girl can do is try and understand her guy for a few days until this understanding thing becomes a little too complicated for her sane mind, and then when she realizes that something might just be wrong and asks him what is it…the statement she gets-“I always knew that you understand me so well, but guess this I am just not worth you……” and at one of those insensitive days might just get a very harsh but straight reply-“guess we should break up, am just not interested in you any longer”What does a girl do now? Well nothing but just sulk for a few days try and forget her misery but then it is so difficult for her to do so. Do the guys ever realize how easy it is to break a heart but how very difficult it is to mend a broken heart? It’s true that girls are a little more emotionally attached in a relationship but then at least they are attached in some manner in a relationship. Most of the times all a guy asks for is a more of a physical relationship than an emotional one and hence it is easier for him to cope up with a break up than it is for a girl.Though I must add before signing off that not all men are alike their might just be a few chosen one who are committed but then sorry guys your percentage wont even be counted as a decent minority!! Why do we, girls, let someone come so close to us that when the time comes to let go we are totally devastated? Can’t this situation be avoided? Can we not be in a relationship the way guys are- Just so casual? Guess no…and probably this is the reason the men are from mars while women are from venus!!!Or is it the other way round??? Whichever way it is…we don’t belong to the same planet!!

years fly by...

Years fly by!! The truth behind this statement is something that I have realized in these past few days- the days that have closed one chapter of my life!! The chapter I don’t want to finish just yet!! Just want to hold on to it for just a bit longer!! But guess time waits for none!! Today my years in school have finally ended!! Now I realize that probably there will be so many people whom I’ll not see for the rest of my life and then there still will be those few who will stay with me for just a little longer and still those who will be there till eternity!!! All these years I was praying and wishing that the school should end soon but now when the prayers have been answered I find that this is not what I was actually praying for!! What was it is something I am not sure aabout still but getting away from people I have known for the whole of my life was definitely not it!! As I sit and think about my school days it seems that it was just yesterday when I had entered the premises of a building that was going to be my home for the next 12 years – by far the best years of my life till date!! It was the pleasant morning of October when I walked through the doors of a school which had nothing more that a few class rooms housed in one building but when I walk out of the same door 12 years later there are many more buildings and surely many more classes!! That October I was not only new to the school but also new to the town!! And I was very young!! My class teacher- Mrs. Powell introduced me to the class!! I was scared, as is every one when he plunges into a whole new world!! I had no idea as to what I was in for??? I took my seat in the front row and I was sitting all alone but then in the break a girl just walked over to me and introduced herself as Katy. She asked me if we two could be friends and I said of course!! Was that a question??? And so we became friends but none of us knew that we would remain so for all the 12 years we are in school though we have had our share of fights and those- ‘don’t talk to me’, days!! My life at school can easily be divided into three phases- the good, the bad and the best!! Most of my years come under the ‘ good’ category while, as there are those bad years, which are better off forgotten but guess life is to be lived and not to be forgotten!! The good years of my life were the years I made so many friends who were always there for me and who made me believe in me!! These were the years I can never forget come what may!! My life revolved around these few people and theirs revolved around me!! These were the years when I found out what I liked and what I didn’t, these were the years when my life was being shaped by so many people!! When finally the wet clay was being dried!! My life at Greenfield high began not with a boom but with a whimper!! And as it ends, again there is no bang though a lot of excitement and expectations…and hopes!! It’s difficult to hold on to time! We cannot hold it tight in our hands…time just fly’s by!! And so do years!! Soon we would be here in the same position though at different places trying to hold on to our college years but then guess this is what life is all about…as one chapter seems to end he other is open right there in front of you!! We only need to let time do its job while we gather our moments and memories, which will be there with us forever…no matter what!!

purpose

It’s kind of strange…this life of ours! One moment everything is just so fine and with the snap of a finger…the world is turned upside down for some….
Guess most of the people will agree with this statement of mine considering the tsunami has just left shattering the dreams and aspirations of millions worldwide.
Such things happening leave me wondering as to what is it that we are living for? What is it that we really want? What is it that keeps us going? What is the purpose of life?
A friend of mine asked me not long ago-“why do you think you are born? What is it that you accomplish in life? What is the purpose of your life?”
Giving a very politically correct answer I said all the nice things I could think of…. being loved, being taken care of, leading a comfortable life…. -these are a few things that we want out of our life!! But when a question is asked and if ever you think that it is not up to the mark, you give the reply as well!!! And so did I get a reply from this friend of mine-“the purpose of life is to end. Happiness is what we want; it’s not the purpose!! Keep thinking. Good night”. But how was I to sleep? When he had left me with so many questions still lingering around? This small question and answer round has left me wondering whether the purpose of life is to end, only?
Seriously when nothing seems to go right for us, when we cannot find even a single spark of happiness in life does that mean that purpose of our life is defeated? Does it mean that there is nothing else left for us to do?
But at the same time when everything seems to fall in place, everything seems to go just the way it is supposed to, can we make ourselves realize that the purpose of life is to end…all these things are meaningless!! Does it mean that we have to make ourselves understand that happiness is just momentary….finding happiness and peace cannot be made the purpose of life!!
What is the purpose of life…I ask with all honesty and seriousness!! I haven’t been able to either justify my reply or my friends!! It feels like all I am doing is go round and round the circle but haven’t found the center yet!! Keep thinking…I still am…